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Maintaining Balance Through The Seasons Of Life

Interview with Dr. Linda Mintle

WIM: Hollywood has produced a show called “Desperate Housewives.” Sadly, many women in ministry feel somewhat desperate as well. What kinds of things are making today’s women feel overwhelmed?

MINTLE: Stress is a major culprit and it comes from three main sources:

1) Relationship stress—dealing with difficult marriages, friendship betrayals, problematic neighbors, angry people.

2) Situational stress—job loss, health problems, relocation, war, natural disasters like hurricanes.

3) Expectation stress—feeling like you aren’t doing what you should be doing, or aren’t where you hoped you’d be at this stage in your life. Maybe you are divorced or single and don’t want to be. Maybe your career is stalled. Maybe you are infertile and want to have children.

How we cope with stress is really important. We don’t have to be desperate and do things the way we see them done on a glorified soap opera. Instead we learn to deal with our problems in healthy ways. For example: seek marital counseling, lovingly confront that friend who betrayed you, show kindness to a problematic neighbor.

WIM: Research shows that marriages are vulnerable following major life changes such as the birth of a baby. Marital satisfaction usually decreases. Couples face more conflict and usually have less positive communication. What helps couples prevent these changes from becoming so stressful?

MINTLE: Researchers Shapiro and Gottman studied the marital satisfaction among couples experiencing the stress of becoming parents. What they found was interesting. Marital friendship was key and included these two things: 1) Spouses had a level of awareness about their partner, his/her life and the couple relationship. 2) Husbands admired and were fond of their wives. Marital friendship seemed to ward off the stress of transition to parenthood. In short, marital friendship buffers stress!

So if you want to buffer your marital relationship from stress, build your friendship. Focus on things you admire and respect about your spouse. Get to know your spouse’s interests, go on dates, talk, have fun together and enjoy each other’s company.

Like most friendships, the more time you spend getting to intimately know the person, the deeper the friendship can go. And in marriage, close friendship has a positive effect on countering stress.

WIM: Can you talk about the woman who leaves her ministry career to be a stay-at-home mom?

MINTLE: The transition can be difficult, yet very few women talk about it because they feel guilty not being 100 percent ready to take on the challenges of motherhood. This was a transition I had to make after several years as a professional therapist. Honestly, I was unprepared for the physical and emotional changes I experienced. No one talked about how hard it was, only how much they loved their baby, which of course I loved my baby, too, But leaving adults, dealing with a baby who doesn’t talk, and not seeing immediate reward to what you do require a lot more patience and a different mindset. Also the physical energy required was very different from a career which tapped my intellectual skills more than my body. It helps women to know ahead of time that the transition can be difficult but rewarding. Find women who will be honest with you and will talk to you about what they felt as they made the changes.

WIM: When mom and dad are too busy and stressed, what kind of strain does that put on marriages? And what about temptation?

MINTLE: Stress either pushes you closer together as a couple or moves you farther apart. It also taps your resources and can wear you down if you don’t have the right kind of support. Couples whose marriages are based on intimacy with God and each other can support each other through the stresses of ministry, family, and life. They also know the importance of friends and family when stress is high. Looking outside the marriage for emotional support and distancing yourself from God puts you in a position for an affair, addictions and other negative coping methods. It’s tempting to medicate or escape your problems with another person, food, alcohol, or attention rather than confronting the stress and setting up healthy supports.

Want to hear more? You can visit Linda at her website: www.DrLindaHelps.com. Also, Dr. Linda Mintle will be our special guest for Women of the Spirit: Embracing the Gifts of Power, Love and a Sound Mind on August 1, 2005 in Denver, Colorado. Women in ministry are invited to experience an innovative evening of encouragement, learning and laughter. After this fast-paced event, you’ll walk away inspired and refreshed, having gained practical help for ministry. Guests will also include Anita Renfroe, a talented comedienne, singer and writer who has been called “a shot of espresso in a decaf world.” Come at 6 p.m. for coffee and chocolate! Registration: $25 (seating is limited). Register by calling 1-800-467-AGTS or go to www.agts.edu/chocolate.

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