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Bonnie Northrup: Pastor’s Wife

“My message through my experiences is, “It’s okay to be yourself.”—Bonnie Northrop

Bonnie, tell us a little of your story.

NORTHRUP: Well, as far as history goes, I was pretty much a new believer when we married. I had completely committed my life to Christ just months before our wedding, so I had no concept of “ministry”—I was simply marrying the love of my life! I wasn’t thinking of being a pastor’s wife. My husband, Dary, was already a minister at the time of our marriage, but since our relationship was a long-distance relationship, I didn’t know him in a ministry role. When we married, we went straight into ministry. So I became an instant youth pastor’s wife.

I didn’t know the system. I didn’t have a clue! I remember sitting in church and feeling shame and embarrassment when the pastor asked us to turn to a particular book in our Bibles, and I still didn’t know where to turn. I was clueless when it came to understanding that I was supposed to have a role and a “ministry.” One of the old saints said to me, “What do you do, honey? Do you play the piano?” I said, “No.” “Well, do you sing?” Again, I answered, “No.” She looked surprised and said, “Well, what do you do?”

I remember telling my husband, “You made a big mistake! I’m not supposed to be a pastor’s wife, because I don’t do those things.” It was a painful time in my life as I tried to define who I was in the midst of everyone’s expectations.

One day I said to Dary, “I hope I didn’t get you in trouble today, honey.” He said to me, “It’s okay. Just tell me what you did.” I hadn’t been taught to pray out loud in front of groups of people. So when a group of ladies asked me, the brand new youth pastor’s wife, to pray over our get together that day, I responded by saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t do that!” After episodes like the one at the party, I wondered how he kept his job! There was a whole lot I didn’t know, and I had a lot to learn.

How did you manage with this unexpected role?

NORTHRUP: After my first encounter with “the system”—church leadership, culture and expectations—I became a really fast learner. I learned what I was to look like, act like, say and do. I learned the packaging. It was also in those days that I stepped into the ring and met up with the bullying giant called Insecurity. A few well-placed blows from him knocked out of me any naïveté I had left. Outwardly I played the part very well, but inwardly I was empty and confused. Quickly gone was the spiritual idealism of youth and innocence.

I am sobered when I realize all that was erroneously forfeited in an effort to belong and to fit. I thought of the years of ineffectiveness resulting from my attempt to be someone God wasn’t asking me to be.

What is the role you play today?

NORTHRUP: I’m a behind-the-scenes person, and that is just fine with me! Honestly, I work part time at the church as a “special programs coordinator.” As far as my ministry goes, I don’t consider myself as having a speaking gift, or a “ministry” in an official kind of way. I do have a part-time role here, but as far as leadership goes, my ministry priority has been to my family and husband. I have done just about everything in the church, but in my heart, my family and husband come first. And in many cases, that’s a switch from the expected pastor’s wife role. Many expect a pastor’s wife to be out front and visible, whereas I am content working behind the scenes.

There are a lot of women who can step into these visible leadership roles in the church, but I am the only one who can be my husband’s wife. And I take that ministry very seriously and prioritize our relationship above other things.

What would you say to the younger woman who has a strong call to ministry, but feels she would suffocate in the role of a pastor’s wife?

NORTHRUP: I would emphatically say, “Be true to who you are. God really does know what He’s doing, and He certainly cares more about who you are than what you can do.”

I think what saved me from the trapped feeling was recognizing God’s burden was “light.” Earlier that trap of the expected role made my burden heavy. It was a very difficult period in my life. I realized, however, that God wasn’t telling me to take on those burdens; I was putting them on myself.

I would also say, “Don’t be afraid to be you. You are the only one who really knows who you are.” We are often tempted to allow a system or a church to define us as other than who we are in Christ.

There are, however, seasons in a person’s life and ministry. Thankfully, you don’t live forever in a season. When the church was small, I had to do things simply because there was no one else to do them! But there were times when people did things better than me, so I learned to step back and allow other women to come to the forefront in ministry, to use their gifts for God.

In retrospect, yes we were naïve and unprepared for ministry, but maybe we really had it right after all. All these years later, I am convinced of this truth - God takes great delight when we come to Him, open armed, and empty handed, with an expectancy and sold-out heart that simple says, “I’m available, God, use me.”

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