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A Look Inside Ministry Marriages

An interview with Mark and Becky Rhoades and Dr. V. Kay Gross

	Mark and Becky Rhoades are the national administrative couple for Assemblies of God Marriage Encounter. They have ministered to couples in the U.S., Canada, Europe and Asia since 1981. They have three children.
	Dr. Kay Gross is the Women’s Ministries director for the Ohio District and serves on the board of the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary. She and her husband Dave pastor Radiant Life Church in Dublin, Ohio, and are also presenters for A/G Marriage Encounter. They have three children.

When you’ve seen healthy ministry marriages, what are some of the characteristics that stand out?

Rhoades: The couple spends timetogether. This is easy to pinpoint as a primary characteristic. Over and over we see that in unhealthy marriages, the husband and wife are like “ships passing in the night.” They are never together.

The husband and wife express courtesies, kindness, and tenderness toward each other. They treat each other as equals, and control isn’t an issue.

There is shared vision and ministry. This doesn’t mean every couple in ministry co-pastor, but we’ve observed that husbands and wives who have strong marriages share a vision and some part of ministry. The ministry that is shared varies fromproviding hospitality to planting a church, and it also tends to vary with family life stages (i.e. ages of children).

Gross: A sense of being in the ministry together. The ministry is a hard place to be if you are not convinced that God has placed you there and that God has called you as a couple.

What problems seem to be more common with ministry marriages than with other marriages?

Rhodes: We’ve noticed several:

• Being on such a fast track that there’s no time or energy for the relationship
• Being so afraid of what people will think that they fail to get "regular check-ups" for their own marriage
• Trying to maintain the image of a "perfect ministry marriage"
• Failing to make friends with othercouples who are committed to strong marriages. If there are jealousy issues or concerns about close friendships within the church,friendship with an oldercouple or with a couple in the next town or another churchmay be cultivated.

Gross:

• Dealing with time issues, financial pressures, and unreasonable expectations from the congregation or even from each other.
• Feeling that everything is more important than each other or the family.

You work with people in both healthy and unhealthy marriages. What are some “warning signs” ministers (in particular) often miss that signal their marriage may need some help.

Rhoades: A lonely spouse! This may be a difficult warning sign to see or hear if the spouse feels guilty about his or her feelings. Along-suffering spouse may be afraid to say anything when he or she feels not listened to or misunderstood. Spouses often bury the pain and lonelinessbecause they judge that the ministering spouse is rightly putting priority on God and His people.

A regular marriage checkup, whether it’s done informally or formally (with a counselor), should help identify these blind spots.

People in spiritual leadership live their lives in front of their people. How do you see ministers cope with being “on stage” when it comes to their married life?

Rhoades: We know several ministry couples who are strong examples to their parishioners and other couples in ministry. Interestingly enough, they are not the couples who try to maintain a "perfect pastor" image. They are couples who realize and take seriouslythe influence they have on others. However, they are realistic and know that, in spite of "trying their best to behave," there will be times when a disagreement or struggle, or perhaps stress or grief may become public. At those times, the same couples will share God’s grace in their marriage, expressing forgiveness and comfort.

The way marriage is expressed "on stage" varieswith the personality of the husband and wife. It’s important to recognize that there are different "styles" when it comes to a successful Christian marriage. One couple may be calm and quiet, reassuring and validating. More often, however, we’ve often seen a "hint of volatility" among couples who "get a lot done" for the Kingdom of God.

Gross: Both as a couple and as parents we purposed in our hearts to do what we do because we are Christians, not because we are pastors.

You have to learn to “perform” for an audience of one, and not allow others to put expectations on you that are not reasonable. Our desire is to be transparent so there is no “professional” self and “personal” self. I’m sure we aren’t always successful, but it is our goal.

Dave and I have faithfully made time to be together (our Thursday date) and the congregation, for the most part, honors that “day off” and even expects us to be faithful to that commitment. That doesn’t mean that we never do ministry-related things, but our time together is an anchor in a busy, crazy world.

A lot of the pressure that comes from the congregation must be dealt with internally. Again, being the kind of person that is the “same” all the time is not easy, but it is necessary for personal and family mental health.

Have you noticed any issues unique to couples where the woman plays a strong spiritual leadership role in the church or in ministry?

Rhoades: We’ve observed the best and the worst!

The best: We’ve seen women as successful ministers when the husband and wife "submit to one another" and the submission, on the part of the husband, is to allow and encourage his wife in the ministry to which she’s called. This doesn’t mean the husband is a "wimp.” In fact, in one particular couple I’m thinking of, they’re both strong and very active in ministry. But it came down to practical things. Wouldthe husband make dinner, do more than his share of the housecleaning, and not complain about the stacks of books when his wife was getting an advanced degree in preparation for new ministry? The most delightful couples we know realize thisrepresents "ebb and flow" in a marriage—he gives, she studies; she sacrifices, hegoes on missions trips and so forth.

The worst: A wife gives 100 percent to church ministry to escape a bad marriage. Sometimes the marriage is so bad that ministry seems to be the only good alternative. At other times, the ministry overload is easier than dealing with a bad marriage. Would it be better to say “During these time…..

Gross: Sometimes there is a sense of competition. Men may be insecure and women can be pushy if they are not careful.

In our case, Dave has the role of lead pastor and I have always known that Dave was in charge. And yet, I can take over a meeting if I’m not careful. Sometimes it is appropriate when I’m dealing with issues Dave doesn’t want to cover. But being such a strong person, and a person involved in leadership, it is hard to be “me” and still appear submissive. In truth, we work at finding the balance.

I have had times when I withdrew from the leadership of the church in general to focus on my areas of ministry and to stay out of Dave’s way. That didn’t work. Dave missed my input. On the other hand, there are times that I have been too strong and that wasn’t good either. It is an on-going process.

If you had the chance to give advice to an engaged couple planning to enter the ministry, what would you say?

Rhoades: Pray that God will direct you to a mentor couple that will share their joys and struggles with you. Pick their brains and hearts! In return, open your marriage to them and let them praise, encourage, and advise you. We were so blessed to have a couple 35 years older, who invested their lives in us. They bragged on u, but they also gently corrected us. We were their spiritual children. We owe so much to their influence on our lives.

Gross: Be sure that you are called to ministry together because being married to a minister is not like being married to someone in a regular 9 to 5 job!

Then do what is necessary to find what being “called to ministry” means for you as a couple. No two couples are alike, and even the same couple will go through seasons in their life and ministry. Some spouses are more involved than others, but in the ministry, you are a “package” whether you want to be or not.

What are some resources you give to ministers that find they need some help with their marriage?

Rhoades and Gross: Need a tune-up—assessment?Attend an Assemblies of God Marriage Encounter weekend. (www.agme.org).

In trouble—need help—on the rocks? Attend an Assemblies of God Marriage Restored weekend. (www.marriagerestored.com).

The Office of Ministerial Enrichment, under the leadership of Dr. Gary Allen, maintains a network of Christian counselors all over the country. Call 1-800-366-2104 to anonymously request a referral.

Read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman (University of Washington) is not a Christian, but his book is based on years of highly respected scientific research including observation of how couples handle conflict. If your marriage doesn’t "look like" other good marriages you observe, you may see your own good marriage in Dr. Gottman’s book. Warning signs of a marriage headed the wrong direction are clearly outlined too.

The BEST book on Christian marriage (in our opinion): is Sacred Marriage by Dr. Gary Thomas.

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